Berrybluebell

i just finished watching Tomb Raider, its a great film and i love angies dress at the end. but anyway, watching it with my rents, then my dad flicks past something i wanna watch and refuses to go back until i snatch the remote and change it myself, then he starts acting stupidly with this grin on his face. I don't know what happened i just flipped, i looked in to his eyes and saws this look that was just taunting me, i literally flipped and turned into a crazed maniac, i started kicking him in the thigh with my heel, probably because i couldn't get to a more deligate area. Then i just kept going, in the end he shouted at me to stop and i still didn't realise i'd hurt him, until he just sat there nearly crying and wincin g in pain, i apologised, and started asking why he'd been pulling that grin that he knows makes me angry, he just said "i was trying to have a bit of fun" now i of course feel really guilty and am just sat here crying silently as i write this, as i know how bad i've been. and partly because its worried me. If a little grin can trigger me off like that, what would i have done if it was something more. If i'm capable of hurting someone twice my size, what am i capable of. Am i a crazed maniac. Do i need to be in an asylum? i just feel so mixed up. I'm still angry at him for nothing, and for him making me feel guilty. I just don't know what to say or do. i feel so stupid, yet at the same time i feel guilty and mad. I can't believe that i just went of the hook, and not in a good way. It was literally like something got hold of me, and i'm worried that had he not stopped me i'd have seriously hurt him!

what the hell is going on in me? why am i acting like such an idiot? whats wrong with me?

have u ever been in a relationship with one of your friends. when you were friends first. because i had that. If ya think about it now it seemed perfect. I mean we got alogn had buckets in common (not actual buckets)I loved him (platonically) yet the relationship fizzled out after a couple o weeks, there was no passion in it, there was just nothing that propelled me into thinking woohoo i'm gonna eventually have sex with this guy! i was rekindling this at school today, and just thinking about how it might have been if we had had sex and had got to that stage where it doesn't matter that the passion has fizzled out of the relationship or even if there ever was any passion. i know it would have worked even if we liked other people at te time. I know i was just rekindling the past because i'm getting lonely as its near cgristmas, and he's the closest thing i've had to a partner. the problem is i'm starting to wonder why nobody wants me, or why i don't want anybody.

I'm really insecure about my body, the thing as a whole is fine, i mean i know i'm overweight, slightly chubby and not the thinest of girls, but i can live with my body the way it is, i can look in the mirror and not wanna smash it, but theres just this one part of my body which is so tiny its unbelievable, which i don't wanna share with the world (as its personal) that i just find repulsive and horrible, i've even considered having plastic surgery. looking at it you need to be 18, but you only need a local anesthetic and its quite cheap, only about £700 from BUPA, and you can leave the hospital the same day. when i turn 18 i am strongly considering getting it, the initial consultation costs a walloping £150 extra, so i'd have to be sure before i went to the consultation. But in my mind, i can't imagine having sex until its sorted, and that to me is a quite important thing to me. so i'm seriously considering it.

I had to have a carol service today, that made me chuckle all the sixth formers got to choose the carol we were going to sing, and we voted overwhelmingly for the primary school classic away in a manger, i was stood with this guy i kinda like, and he spent the whole time gushing about how beautiful and funny and amazing my best friend is. I felt like hitting him, grrr. men who'd have them?

I passed my theory driving test. woohoo. I'm actually surprised about how well today went, in an odd way, i actually walked half the way home from town, which is quite a way about half an hours walk, and amusingly got caugh in the middle of a set of hikers, about 20 of them and me in the middle. thought that was rather obscure. Now i'm sat here freezing my ass off, and i'm wearing my old school jumper (from about 3 years ago) which in GB sizing is a size 20-22. Now as i've just told ya i'm slightly overweight, i guess ya figured out its way too big for me, about 5 sizes (i'm a 12) but its just so snuggly. lol.

I really wanna go to university, like now, i wanna get the rest of this year out of the way and just do it. The thing about my friends is, we have a good time when we're together but i feel we've reached the end of our cycle as friends, and its time i found someone new. I've never been someone who is good at having best friends, ones i've know since i was little. I've had 4 best friends within my life, and as a 17 year old, thats quite a few, my current best friend still has the same best friend as she had when she was 2, + me of course, she claims she loves us equally.

I have a pointless and slightly boring life, and so thought it might be fn to do this, even though i already knew the answer but hey hoo now its confirmed.

You Are Most Like Samantha!

For you, dating is the ultimate sport You're into guys with power, looks, or a lot of money. You rather have a great two weeks than a great forever. But even you fall victim to love from time to time. :-) Romantic prediction: You'll find love in the next few months... But you'll be the last one to realize it.

I'm currently waiting in a queue, although my call is very important, and my call is very valuable to them, and they are very sorry but all agents are busy at the moment. so i've left it on speaker and thought i'd add another entry, whilst listening to the terrible terrible music which they're holding me to, it makes me want to throw the phone out of the window, or harm myself in some way.

I was thinking about getting a tattoo today, its something that i've been thinking about for a long time, about a year or so. and i know that in a few months i'll be able to get one legally. I'm still unsure though, about the whole thing, i can't imagin the pain, i'm in tears when i get my eyebrows waxed let alone this! but i guess it wouldn't be that bad, the only problem is, i want something that really means something to me. Looking at someone like angelina joie, her tattoos look hot, and whilst i'm normally a good girl, i'd like one that was hidden by my clothing, so that it would shock those who got further. However i think my preferred place is my left inside wrist. I also want something that is important to me, so that i know it won't wear and make me regret it when i'm 80. Problem is, i don't really have anything that means a great deal to me. No close deaths in the family, no real religous beliefs. I guess political ones, but i know how much my views have changed in recent years, and who knows what i'll think as i grow older. But i guess it can wait till i find something perfect.

I also want a new hairstyle before i go to university next year. still not sure what to do though, so i've got few hair books as suggestions to go on. That should be fun, but i'm not the most daring person when it comes to things like hair, it generally stays the way it is. i usually blow dry it, but it generally just turns into a gigantic frizzy mess. but to be perfectly honest i don't really care. I enhoy looking at all the syles in the little books but i think they'r ea bit unmanageable.

Newcastle united beat Arsenal at the weekend, 1-0, i was so pleased. yay.

I guess i should talk about christmas too, my plan was to avoid it at all cost, as its only 10 days away, and theres a few houses that are looking garishly lit up. I really don't like this time of year, as i find that it generally ends up as one day, in which i get a numbe of presents i don't want, from family i hardly ever see and have to spend the whole day eating food i don't really like, and watching my relatives getting boozy, whilst staying sober. in order to ensure i don't let any secrets slip out, about what i get up to when i go out, or the fact that i'm not their innocent little girl, and that i've been so leglessly drunk that i've thrown up all over my friends bathroom, projectile with red vomit (don't worry not blood, which at the time i was drunkenly worried about, but the red cherry drink that was disgusting and very very very alcoholic!)but in order to stop myself from repeating that spectacle i will stay sober and be polite and live up to the expecttions of my family. Which is harder than it sounds, i've been predicted 2A's and a B at A level and so they assume that i'm bright enough to get it and that i will get it, but since my predicted grades and by AS results all of my teachers have changed and it has got as hard as you can imagine, harder than diamonds, so they're gonna get a shock when i don't get into any universities.

its finally christmas because the coca cola advert is on and about, so i thought i'd watch love actually. I have no idea why, maybe its because its that time of the month, or because its christmas, but i just felt overcome with emotion. i felt the tears well up and pushed them away. then later i was watching the west wing, of all programs and a potential president was making a speech about hope, and i just burst, i started hyperventilating and crying hysterically. I know what came over me, i'm lonely, i'm not in love and i never have been, i've never even had sex for christs sake! you probably don't know how lucky you are if you've loved, i know i'm still young and have plenty of time, but the thought that i have no one to hug when i'm down, no one to watch romantic movies with, no one to kiss goodnight, no one to argue with over tv channels, no one to cook a meal for, no one to have make up sex with, no one to have sex with, no one to love. Thats not the only thing, i've never even come close. my longest relationship lasted four weeks and we never even got passed kissing, he wa lovely and sweet and caring, he just wasn't passionate enough, he didn't take an interest in anything and he wouldn't fight with me, it sounds odd that i wanted my boyfriend to fight with me, but he was just so attentative and such a pushover, i want a man who will be in control, who will take my hand and make me feel safe i want a man, not a boy just needs sex. Guess it isn't surprising that a day after we broke up he was already telling my best friend how much he had always liked her, to be fair a year later they were going out. I guess that hurt me, more than most things, because he was a friends before we dated, still is one of my closest friends, and he may have been angry that i dumped him, but he wasn't he didn't care, we were friends and i knew him, if he was bothered i would have known about it. i just can't believe that as friends i mean so little to him. I should explain about my best friend, she's beautiful, i tend to be the ugly one who makes my best friend look even more amazingly pretty. People are generally sorry for me if i ever tell them that, but to be fair she was blessed with looks and a great body, its just i wasn't really blessed. The guys always go for her, if we go out clubbing she'll usually get together with a guy, a complete stranger. and she doesn't see it hen all of the guys are chatting her up, and she can't see that she has every man wrapped around her little finger and no matter how much i tell her and show her this, she still doesn't believe me, and i get so angry and so hurt because she thinks she's not pretty and i just can't stand to think about it.i get so angry, because i am truly not pretty, i mean jeez 2 of the 7 guys i've kissed have turned out gay, and one is starting to look that way, i mean i know that gay guys go for fat girls and ugly girls because they don't find women attractive, so that just makes me feel even more shit. Sometimes i think i might be gay, well a lesbian, i was watching the 100 greatest ever videos and number 10 was the prodigy with smack my ***** up and watching the video and the girls in the video, i got so turned on it was unbelievable, i would have killed for someone to finish me off right there and then. i often wonder whether its just my hormones because i'm a teenager, or whether i'm mistaking feelings of envy with that of lust. Or maybe i'm Bi. I'm going to uni next year if i get the right grades, i just hope that i can experiment there, still not sure how i'd get into that, but a few cocktails and who knows. I also know i still like men, but part of me wonders just how much.